


Numb

by eversinceniall



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Boys In Love, Death, Depression, F/M, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Homophobic Language, Hurt, Letter, M/M, Notes, Sad, Sad Ending, Stupid Boys, Suicide, Unrequited Love, err - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-20
Updated: 2014-11-20
Packaged: 2018-02-26 08:54:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,463
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2645816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eversinceniall/pseuds/eversinceniall
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry loves Louis, and Louis loves Harry. But Louis' sort of stupid and he ruins things.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. To Louis

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this like a year and a half ago so it's sort of sucky. Oops.

Dear, Louis

 

Today I told you I'm in love with you. I couldn't stand it anymore. It hurt me too much to watch you be so oblivious. I should have thought it through. I should have thought about the consequences, and possibilities, should have thought about how you would react. But I was and still am stupid and foolish.

And being foolish and young, I didn't think about the possible consequences of my actions. I should be feeling bad for myself, and feel self-loathing, and I am. But not very much, because all I can feel is the guilt. The guilt of how much you didn't deserve to have this dropped on you like a bomb with no warning. It's funny, isn't it? I should be feeling depressed, and wondering why the hell I'm not good enough for you

But nope, I'm just worrying about how you're handling this, how you're feeling. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I told you, I'm sorry that I love you, I'm sorry about everything. It's just that....we've been friends for years, and I never knew you felt that way about people like me.

We were always so close, we hugged, cuddled, we were inseparable, attached at the hip. Hell, we still were until today, which I doubt you'll ever want to be within 50 feet of me again . I thought that maybe....You had some sort of feelings for me, too. I was wrong. But I had just figured you liked boys and girls. I had hope today, and I wish I hadn't. We've kissed before. Twice, actually. Like, last week when we went to a party together.

You were drunk, yes, but not wasted. Not drunk enough to forget everything that happened. I remember it clearly. You went into the kitchen to get another beer, and I, like a puppy, followed you. No one was in the kitchen, and you opened the fridge, and grabbed two beers, handing one to me. I took it with no hesitation, and when we went to leave, our legs twisted together, and we fell over with you on top of me.

We were frozen, silent, and I don't know why. We just looked into each others eyes for awhile. It was intense, and I didn't move for fear of ruining the moment. Then you leaned in, and I did too. You hesitated for a second, and I saw a flash of fear in your eyes, but then you quickly pressed your lips to mine. Your lips were soft, and I could kiss you all day. Soon enough, we stood up, succeeding in keeping our lips pressed against each other. I picked you up and set you on the kitchen counter, then I stood in between your legs. And we kissed. We just kissed. We didn't stop until we heard someone approaching the kitchen.

We pulled back, and I took in your appearance. Your lips were swollen and puffy from all the kissing, and your hair was slightly messy from me playing with it. I knew I probably looked the same. I didn't say anything as you hopped off the counter. You didn't say anything either, and I started to worry, but then you grabbed my hand and smiled at me. You didn't say anything about the kitchen kissing that night, or the day after that, or the next, and so on. So I figured you were way more drunk than I had thought. But I still couldn't stop thinking that you had kissed me. I was cheerful today. I was just happy and very positive.

So, somehow, I decided I would tell you. We were standing by our tree. The maple tree where we met. The timing seemed perfect. We were laying on our backs in the grass, our fingers interlocked. You've always like to hold my hand, and I don't know why. I took a deep breath, gathering my strength and said, "I like you."

You smiled at me, and said "I like you, too."

I shook my head, you weren't understanding what I meant. "No...I'm in love with you." I said, softly.

Your mouth opened in a perfect 'o' and you jumped to your feet. You glared at me, it was cruel and harsh. "What the hell? You're gay?" You spat, the word sounding like a disease in your mouth.

I simply nodded fearfully. "Yes..."

Your face twisted to one of rage and disgust.

I had never seen you like this before.

It hurt.

I don't even want to repeat what you said to me. Maybe I will...

Today, I told you I'm in love with you.

Today, you told me I'm a disgusting and I don't deserve to live.

Today, you told me that I was sick, and I needed to get help.

Today, you told me I should kill myself.

Today, you slapped me, and stormed away..

Today, I'm still in love with you.

I shouldn't have told you. It was a stupid thing to do. I just thought.....Even if you were drunk, you had to know you were kissing a boy, right? I had hope, and I made a awful decision. I have no one to blame but myself. I was stupid. So so so stupid. For fuck's sake, you have a girlfriend. Sweet pretty Eleanor. She's so fucking kind, gentle, and sickly sweet. I should be smarter than this. You've been dating her for 2 1/2 years. Why did you kiss me last week, Lou? Why? I know you didn't intend to cheat on her, but you still did, and being drunk doesn't change that. I'm not angry at you, no, I'm just disappointed. But I kissed you back, and that makes it even worse. Why did I think telling you would make a difference? The only thing it will do is drive us apart. I'm so selfish, and I'm actually feeling the self-loathing, but it's a mix of that and guilt. I don't deserve you, and that's probably why I don't have you. But Eleanor does deserve you, and she's got you. She's so lucky. She's loud, and silly, yet quiet and shy at the same time. She reminds me a lot of you. Perfect, Lou. You're perfect.

It's 4:23 P.M. and it's been 6 hours since I told you. We just talked. I just got done talking to you. The doorbell rang at 4:15. I opened the door and I was surprised you were here.

"Hi." You had said.

"Hi." I said back. You're eyes were red, so I guess you've been crying. Either that or you're smoking weed. I'm pretty sure it was the first.

"I'm sorry." You blurted out, your cheeks burning in embarrassment. You're so pretty.

I didn't really know what to say. Was I supposed to say, 'It's okay'?

Was I supposed to instantly forgive you and bow down to you like a servant. I pretty much did that. I forgave you the minute those words came out of your mouth.

I decided to just nod. Then you pulled me into a hug. You didn't say anything else.

Why? Is that all you had to say? Or were you afraid to say what was on your mind? Did you really mean it when you said 'Harry, you're repulsive. I've changed in front of you, and you never had the decency to tell me you are gay?' Really? Was I supposed to just say, oh hey I'm gay, just thought you should know that.

Did you seriously have to tell me I'm a disgusting, repulsive, brat, and I should go kill myself because no one wants me here? It didn't even hurt, those words. But still, I had just came out to you.

I'm sorry. I don't know what for. I see your flaws, Lou. You have a lot of them, but they all add up, and they make me love you more. I love all your flaws. I love the way you say my name 'Harreh'. I love the way you dance when you think no one is watching. I love your voice, it's high pitched and wonderful. I love your sense of fashion. I love our late nights, eating junk food, and watching bad movies. I love when you open up completely, and tell me your deep secrets. All these things add up to make you. I love you, Lou. To The moon and back. Forever and Always.

You're my everything. I accept your apology. But I don't feel much. I don't feel happy. I just feel slightly sad, and mostly numb. I just feel empty. It's a weird feeling, and I've never felt like this before. Except maybe when my cat died. Is this depression? I still feel pain. I think it is.

Today I told you I'm In love with you.

Today, you called me disgusting and repulsive.

Today, you told me you hate me

Today, I'm writing this

Today, I still love you.

Today, you told me I should kill myself.

Today, I'm realized that I am disgusting, and I'm an embarrassment.

Today, I realized you will never love me like I love you.

Today, I know I will never ever have you.

Today, I'm taking your advice.

Today, I'm ending my life

Tomorrow, I'll be gone

Tomorrow, I will still love you.

Everyday after that, I will still love you

(It's n o t your fault. You're right. I don't deserve to live. So now I don't have to because I'm ending it all. I'll see you again. I promise. I just feel so numb. I'm sorry that I'm doing this but you won't care, will you? I like to think that you'll mourn over me, and be very sad. But you'll probably just move on with your life like nothing ever happened. I wonder if you'll care that I'm gone or if you'll miss me. I hope so. I doubt it. The sadness...It's been building up to this for awhile. I love you, Lou. To the moon and back. Forever and Always.)

Love, Harry .xx


	2. To Harry

Today, I found out you killed yourself

I'm the reason. I'm the reason you killed yourself. It hurts so much to know that you're gone forever. I'll never see your dimples when you smile, and I'll never hear your slow way of talking, and deep raspy voice. I'll never see your vibrant green eyes, and I'll never play with your soft curls again. I'll never hug you and melt into your warm embrace. I'll never stand beside you and compare our height difference. I'll never hold your big hands again, and I'll never talk to you again. I'll never be able to sit on my roof and look at the stars with you again. We'll never be able to travel all over the world together, as we planned. I'll never see your happy smiling face again. Now, the only thing I see when I close my eyes, is the rope tied around your neck as you hung from the ceiling fan, your hands lay limply at your sides. And it's all because of me. I'm the reason. I'm the one to blame. You know, I wasn't drunk that night. The night we kissed.

I was tipsy, but not drunk. I remember our kiss. It was amazing. I walked into the kitchen to get more beer and you followed me, but then we tripped. When I fell on top of you, I got sort of distracted by your eyes, and I couldn't resist anymore. I had wanted it for so long, and always had to stop myself from staring at your lips, or pushing you against a wall and kissing you breathless. And we just stared into each other's eyes intensely. So I kissed you. It was amazing, really. I remember it all, how we didn't stop until someone came into the room, and we pulled away hurriedly in order to not be caught. I took your hand, and you looked at me hesitantly, so I smiled at you.

I expected you to say something, to tell me it was a mistake, and it could never happen again, or it shouldn't have happened. I waited, day after day. But you said nothing. So I pretended it never happened. I tried to convince myself that I was wasted, but I wasn't. I'm sorry, Haz. For everything. I shouldn't have called you disgusting, vile, or repulsive. I should have never told you to kill yourself. I shouldn't have hit you....but I had to do these things. I never thought you would actually kill yourself, though. I'm a horrible person for what I said to you. It was plain cruel. Truth be told, when you told me you're in love with me, I wanted to kiss you and never let you go.

The thing is, I'm in love with you, Haz. I have been since forever. I think the first time I realized it was five years ago when we first went up to my roof to look at the stars. I had brought a blanket up with me and we laid down on it, side by side. I grabbed your hand, and we pointed out the different constellations we could see. After awhile, we just laid there in silence, admiring the sky. Then I glanced over at you, and realized you had been staring at me. Without a second thought, I leaned forward lightning quick, and pressed our lips together. I moved away not a second later.

You smiled brightly at me, "What was that for?" You asked.

I shrugged, "I don't know." I said.

But I did and do know why I kissed you. Because as I looked at you under the shining stars that night, I realized I loved you. It was like I blinked and realized that "Oh, I love him."

For a long time after that, I was sad. Because although we kissed, I had just had the realization that you didn't love me back. My sadness wasn't noticeable by anyone, except you. I still acted silly, and fun around our friends. They noticed no change in my moods or my attitude, but you did. You watched me, cautiously. It seemed like you were studying me, as if staring at me long enough would give you the answer as to what was wrong with me. I ignored your curious stare, and pretended I was alright. That didn't work out for long. You cornered me in the bathroom during lunch, and asked me what was wrong with me.

"Nothing is wrong. I'm fine!" I insisted. Of course, you know me better than anyone, and you were persistent.

"You're NOT okay! You've been sulking for weeks now." You retorted.

"Just leave me alone!" I demanded, getting fed up.

"No! Tell me what's wrong!" You said.

"Fine. I like this girl but....she doesn't like me back." I told you.

"That's it?" You asked in confusion.

"Yeah, that's it. Why?" I said.

"Well, it's just a girl. I think you're over reacting." You said.

"She's not just a fucking girl!" I yelled storming off, and trying to control my temper.

Later that day I apologized to you. But I couldn't help but feel angry at you. It wasn't just a girl. It was you, and you mean more than a girl. I was pissed off because you didn't understand how upset I was. I would never be that upset over a girl. Only you.

A year after I discovered I love you, I was still depressed. I had found a way to hide my sadness from you, and you thought I was better. Normal. It hurt me even more to know that you hadn't noticed how depressed and withdrawn I had gotten. Even our friends, Niall, Liam, Zayn, Perrie, and Jade had noticed. But yet you were my best friend. I had felt like you abandoned me. You started hanging out with your hipster friends. Then, you started dating girls, and lots of them. So I tried to bury myself in school work, and other friends, to avoid seeing you and your latest date. It was like a dull ache, knowing you would never be mine. I just wanted to kiss you again.

Two years after the kiss, I found out my parents were homophobic.

I was surprised, and shocked. My parents had always seemed so accepting of everyone. But one day, after hanging out with you, my mother told me she wanted to talk.

She pulled me aside, away from my sisters.

"I've seen the way you look at Harry." She said, and seeing the panic on my face, she continued, "If you try to date him or any other boy, we will disown you. Your father and I will not have a faggot in our household, especially around your sisters! We don't want their minds corrupted." She finished.

I was startled. My mother had always been so sweet. She never said anything bad about people. I just nodded. I didn't know what to say. My mother knew I love you. How she knew, I had no idea. But I couldn't be disowned. I had my sisters, and I couldn't lose them. You and I had started spending a lot more time together. I'd stopped trying to ignore or avoid you because I realized that it wasn't helping. It was only making me more and more depressed. Even though it hurt to watch you date girls, I had to get used to it. As long as I was friends with you, I would have to deal.

Three years after the kiss, I met a girl. She was a new student, and I decided to try to get to know her. Her name was Eleanor. We were assigned to do a project in Science together, and we ended up getting really close. She was shy around other people, but when with me, she was loud. She was beautiful, and if I wasn't gay, I would probably date her. Somehow, she guessed that I was in love with you. We were in my room, doing homework together, when suddenly she stopped writing.

"You're in love with him, aren't you? Harry?" She asked.

"Yeah...yeah, I am." I admitted.

It was silent for a moment, "I KNEW IT!" She shouted in... happiness?

When she noticed I wasn't happy, she stopped cheering. Then a look of realization dawned on her face, "He doesn't like you back, does he?"

I shook my head.

Eleanor clapped her hands together, "Let's make him jealous!"

"How?" I asked.

"Duh, Louis, we date!" She exclaimed.

I raised an eyebrow, "I'm gay, remember?"

Eleanor rolled her eyes, "We date to make him jealous, but we aren't really dating. Like, I'll be your fake girlfriend! But everyone thinks we're dating."

It was a horrible idea, but I agreed. Most people had suspicions that we were already dating, so the next day, we walked into school, hand in hand.

Five years after the kiss (present time)

I haven't been as sad this year. But now you're dead, Haz. And I don't know what to do. Yesterday, you told me you love me and I shouted at you. But I was angry. So angry. I was happy you loved me back, but I was angry.

You said you'd been in love with me for two years, and you couldn't handle me not knowing anymore. But it hurt, because you thought what you were going through was bad! I've been pining after you for five years! I wanted to kiss you. But I couldn't. If we dated, my parents would find out, and kick me out. They would never let me see my sisters again. I couldn't handle that. So I did the only thing I could think of. I yelled and screamed at you. I called you horrible names. I told you to kill yourself....I can't believe you actually did it.

But Harry, you're not disgusting. If you're disgusting, than so am I. Because I'm gay. Because I love you. You're special, Harry. You're unique, and perfect. I've realized that I can't live without you. You were my reason to live, even if you caused my sadness. You're my everything, and nothing is right without you.

Today, I found out you killed yourself.

Today, I'm writing this note.

Tomorrow, we'll be together.

There is no reason to live if you're not with me. So I'm ending my life. People might say it's a mistake. They might say I'll regret it. But hey, we're young and foolish, right? We make bad decisions. But this isn't one of them.

PS: Loving you, has and never will be a mistake.

Love, Louis .xx


End file.
